GROWING UP by Merri Skaar

“I can do this,” she said as she struggles to smile,

“I will love my lonely times, love my life and love me”
“I will love whatever happens, take it with ease,”


Since she knows that is her best choice
She convinces herself by using her voice

Her voice can seem strong
She comes across very wild
Deep down inside is a scared little child

People can only believe what they see
Perception is surface
It hides what is deep

There are sheep in wolves clothing
Though hard to believe
A strong boisterous female is actually weak

Revelations quickly arise
Out pour tears from her eyes
“How did I not realize?…….”

A love that is suppressed and mis directed
A heart that cries and feels rejected
How others may have been affected?

Grieving a missing piece of her soul
A child far away is taking its toll
A mother feels unwhole.

After burying for months the pain
Hiding feelings, going insane
Surrendering the stubborn brain

The world is big and wild and scarey
Full of burdens we don’t have to carry
Things you see that are contrary.

Puts her feet on solid ground
She lets the sun shine down
Gratitude is her glorious crown.

Heart Tries to Feel, by Merri Skaar

Have I become numb for the sake of not hurting
Is it fair to myself to allow such a flirting

What do I have, where? When?
Can I learn to love again?

Will I have love when I grow old?
To just know I have someone to hold.

The treasures I sought and found in this man are things I will keep in my heart, I’m sure I can.
As I exist in uncertainty, Questioning my heart, I hold myself together as I am falling apart.

Can I face this threat that exposes my hidden fears as I try to make sense and fight random tears?
Does he feel this way too? I sometimes wonder. Panic with butterflies, heart beating like thunder.

Is this normal…. Is it part of the human condition?
Should I just push away and again go fishing?

I have choices to make. I can’t make these alone. It’s about a heart other than my own.
Once I hear the other side, I am prepared to stay or step aside.

Amendments, agreements, boundaries and compromise….
Relationships are not easy I have grown to realize.

Knowing that not once with him was a fight.
A hug and a kiss and sweet dreams and good night….

where am I, where am I going with him???

Questioning myself and fearing that I am either wasting my time or over evaluating all the possibilities has been a recent pastime. The greatest kiss of my life and I have been seeing each other for about 10 or 11 weeks now. Suppose it could be a lack of faith... a bit of insecurity... but I felt the need to define what this relationship is and where it may go. I have always thought that I wanted a committed relationship... and after years of thinking that "taking it slow" means not moving in together for a year or so... or not having sex on the first date.... (I know... I ain't the brightest crayon in the pack) and slow has never been my style before, so I know I cannot go fast again.

I really really like this guy so very much! I can safely say I do love him. I love him as a person... I am not sure if I am in love. Could I only be in love with how I feel while I am with him. I have been fooled so many times by my fantasy world mind. I am scared. Are these indications that I may not be ready for a real long term relationship... or commitment?

Maybe all I am supposed to do is just enjoy what it is. Perhaps it would be good to cut back how often we see eachother to 2 or 3 times a week.... Maybe I have been bombarding him. There are many factors to consider.


He says he is not ready for commitment. I knew it. I just feel so serene and at ease with him... except when he kicks my butterflies around... and he does. like He is a wonderful friend and an amazing lover. Am I only a filler until he finds more of what he really wants..... Maybe he really wants to be back with his ex wife. He does seem to distance out even in my presence.. as if he is trying to keep me from getting any closer just in case. I am prepared to either find my fears are just stupid, or if I am better off alone.


If all else fails, I have 60 more men to meet... and write about. I have to make a point of keeping better records of how I go about the whole process if I do go back to dating new men again. It will be difficult to have my heart in it... I have been distracted ever since this wonderful beast kissed me.


I think I need a kick in the ass and a slap in the face for feeling insecure like that.