where am I, where am I going with him???

Questioning myself and fearing that I am either wasting my time or over evaluating all the possibilities has been a recent pastime. The greatest kiss of my life and I have been seeing each other for about 10 or 11 weeks now. Suppose it could be a lack of faith... a bit of insecurity... but I felt the need to define what this relationship is and where it may go. I have always thought that I wanted a committed relationship... and after years of thinking that "taking it slow" means not moving in together for a year or so... or not having sex on the first date.... (I know... I ain't the brightest crayon in the pack) and slow has never been my style before, so I know I cannot go fast again.

I really really like this guy so very much! I can safely say I do love him. I love him as a person... I am not sure if I am in love. Could I only be in love with how I feel while I am with him. I have been fooled so many times by my fantasy world mind. I am scared. Are these indications that I may not be ready for a real long term relationship... or commitment?

Maybe all I am supposed to do is just enjoy what it is. Perhaps it would be good to cut back how often we see eachother to 2 or 3 times a week.... Maybe I have been bombarding him. There are many factors to consider.


He says he is not ready for commitment. I knew it. I just feel so serene and at ease with him... except when he kicks my butterflies around... and he does. like He is a wonderful friend and an amazing lover. Am I only a filler until he finds more of what he really wants..... Maybe he really wants to be back with his ex wife. He does seem to distance out even in my presence.. as if he is trying to keep me from getting any closer just in case. I am prepared to either find my fears are just stupid, or if I am better off alone.


If all else fails, I have 60 more men to meet... and write about. I have to make a point of keeping better records of how I go about the whole process if I do go back to dating new men again. It will be difficult to have my heart in it... I have been distracted ever since this wonderful beast kissed me.


I think I need a kick in the ass and a slap in the face for feeling insecure like that.