GROWING UP by Merri Skaar

“I can do this,” she said as she struggles to smile,

“I will love my lonely times, love my life and love me”
“I will love whatever happens, take it with ease,”


Since she knows that is her best choice
She convinces herself by using her voice

Her voice can seem strong
She comes across very wild
Deep down inside is a scared little child

People can only believe what they see
Perception is surface
It hides what is deep

There are sheep in wolves clothing
Though hard to believe
A strong boisterous female is actually weak

Revelations quickly arise
Out pour tears from her eyes
“How did I not realize?…….”

A love that is suppressed and mis directed
A heart that cries and feels rejected
How others may have been affected?

Grieving a missing piece of her soul
A child far away is taking its toll
A mother feels unwhole.

After burying for months the pain
Hiding feelings, going insane
Surrendering the stubborn brain

The world is big and wild and scarey
Full of burdens we don’t have to carry
Things you see that are contrary.

Puts her feet on solid ground
She lets the sun shine down
Gratitude is her glorious crown.

Heart Tries to Feel, by Merri Skaar

Have I become numb for the sake of not hurting
Is it fair to myself to allow such a flirting

What do I have, where? When?
Can I learn to love again?

Will I have love when I grow old?
To just know I have someone to hold.

The treasures I sought and found in this man are things I will keep in my heart, I’m sure I can.
As I exist in uncertainty, Questioning my heart, I hold myself together as I am falling apart.

Can I face this threat that exposes my hidden fears as I try to make sense and fight random tears?
Does he feel this way too? I sometimes wonder. Panic with butterflies, heart beating like thunder.

Is this normal…. Is it part of the human condition?
Should I just push away and again go fishing?

I have choices to make. I can’t make these alone. It’s about a heart other than my own.
Once I hear the other side, I am prepared to stay or step aside.

Amendments, agreements, boundaries and compromise….
Relationships are not easy I have grown to realize.

Knowing that not once with him was a fight.
A hug and a kiss and sweet dreams and good night….

where am I, where am I going with him???

Questioning myself and fearing that I am either wasting my time or over evaluating all the possibilities has been a recent pastime. The greatest kiss of my life and I have been seeing each other for about 10 or 11 weeks now. Suppose it could be a lack of faith... a bit of insecurity... but I felt the need to define what this relationship is and where it may go. I have always thought that I wanted a committed relationship... and after years of thinking that "taking it slow" means not moving in together for a year or so... or not having sex on the first date.... (I know... I ain't the brightest crayon in the pack) and slow has never been my style before, so I know I cannot go fast again.

I really really like this guy so very much! I can safely say I do love him. I love him as a person... I am not sure if I am in love. Could I only be in love with how I feel while I am with him. I have been fooled so many times by my fantasy world mind. I am scared. Are these indications that I may not be ready for a real long term relationship... or commitment?

Maybe all I am supposed to do is just enjoy what it is. Perhaps it would be good to cut back how often we see eachother to 2 or 3 times a week.... Maybe I have been bombarding him. There are many factors to consider.


He says he is not ready for commitment. I knew it. I just feel so serene and at ease with him... except when he kicks my butterflies around... and he does. like He is a wonderful friend and an amazing lover. Am I only a filler until he finds more of what he really wants..... Maybe he really wants to be back with his ex wife. He does seem to distance out even in my presence.. as if he is trying to keep me from getting any closer just in case. I am prepared to either find my fears are just stupid, or if I am better off alone.


If all else fails, I have 60 more men to meet... and write about. I have to make a point of keeping better records of how I go about the whole process if I do go back to dating new men again. It will be difficult to have my heart in it... I have been distracted ever since this wonderful beast kissed me.


I think I need a kick in the ass and a slap in the face for feeling insecure like that.

Smiling ear to ear... with little bouts of insecurity

There is no denying that I am smitten for this particular man. I feel like things are going good... I am making use of the time we cannot spend together while he has his 7 year old daughter. For any who don't know... my kids are pretty much grown.... so the younger child is something I have a huge respect for.

I made my mistakes with mine. I do not feel any more children need to be subjected to meeting a person, just because their parent fancies them. Fancies can pass... Actual stability and strength and willingness to work at a relationship.... long term (and six months is not long)... once its a true commitment, then its fine to let the kids meet.... I had pondered that notion over the course of the 2 months that I have enjoyed with this sweet man.. I worried a bit.. I had moments where I wonder when is the right time? I figure I will let him determine when its right, it is his child. I also looked up a few articles that touched on that same subject. "Use the calendar, not your heart" is what I had found on one.. it says six months.... wait six months. That was not what I wanted to find... but then I thought about it some more... its true! Honestly, when children meet Daddy's girlfriend, and they break up, they will have problems with trust. It will hamper their future relationships with others. Six months is a worthy spread of time and can go very fast!


One article had a few points to ponder regarding relationships and introducing your kids..These are the signs to tell if the time is right for sure. One is the kiss. If the kiss is not good.... it wont last. Everyone has their own kissing style, therefore, finding one that feels right is important! The sense of humor also needs to match somewhat. The jokes one makes should not make the other feel insulted or hurt. Part of the hurt can be a sure sign of insecurity, which is a dead weight that will kill all involved.... run run run!!! (and yes, I was her a time or two!)
There is an aspect of how it works in the bed as well as walking out in public....are you both walking together, or is one barreling forward, and the other trailing behind... as if the fast one isn't considering that they are "with" the other??? I know there were more points... but I remembered these ones the most... since I have kissed my fair share of frogs... I have been the fast walker, choking the poor guy in my dust.... I have hurt, and been hurt by jokes... and if I had not dealt with extreme insecurity....either mine or someone elses.... I would not understand what they were saying.


I only have little tiny bouts of insecurity these days... I worry that he might not like me as much as I like him. I worry that I may be too fat for him and he might want to keep looking for someone in better shape than I... and when I feel those thoughts infecting my head, I simply remind myself that alone is not bad! I also have a vast ocean out there to cast a net in if He and I do not work out. Why should I fret??? I would rather lose a lover than love a loser! So be it!

Strange Dreams

Not every time I wake up do I recall what I had dreamt. When I do remember, it's more often than not, extremely bizzare. I cannot go into every odd dream I have ever had, but I can tell of one that really stands out amongst it all.....

I was present day age in my childhood best friends house in its 10 years ago condition.... with a few modifications... like there was the old rope swing on the tree... but rotted partially and still usable, and the trampolene was not there when I was a kid, but it was new in the dream, and I had seen it ten years ago in its new state.... inside the house, all the same stacks of books and magazines.. same furniture arrangement...but with a very thick layer of dust... no finger marks or wipes.... as if no one had been there for a long time. I ran inside from swinging needing to use the restroom... I bypassed the main bathroom and went to the master bathroom off her parents bedroom... except the toilet was in the opposite corner and behind a canvas tent flap with a zipper. I unzipped, got inside, zipped myself in. I did my noble deed and commenced in doing "paperwork" when I heard voices approaching.... one big deep slow voice, and one munchkin like faster voice. I could see through the flap and the sunlight against it the sillouette of a very tall man with a shape between lurch and nosferatu.... and the small sillouette was of a midget with a blind cane being led by the tall man by the hand.... they come up to the flap and unzip before I could wipe.... in comes the midget... he is a preist dressed in proper preist attire brown hair parted to the side, clouded white/blue eyes with no pupils, and a cheshire cat smile. He is facing me and smiling and I tell him, " I need you to step outside, I have to wipe," he smiles and says, "go ahead, I can't see a thing" I argue, " please, I cannot do this with an audience!"
"It's Ok! I cannot see!"... at that point I awaken.

That is one of many I will share... Hope it bewildered you as it did me!

What is important.... having standards about what?

Many moons ago I ignored my gut telling me to walk away and not look back... then I would be stuck in years of something not quite right. It is hard to decipher what matters and what doesn't. For example.... I am quick witted and mostly grammatically correct. I find it hard to be around people who talk with an f-bomb.. or "uhhhhh" alot. I may tend to drop an "f" bomb from time to time... but its only to drive a point home.. not a filler word. If I have someone around me constantly talking like a retarded trucker, I will have a strong lack of respect for them, Therefore, the use of language and intelligence is important to me and I should never compromise that aspect of who I am by dating a man who is not "up to par".

It hurts to learn the hard way about what really matters to you... but if you take time for yourself... don't jump with both feet into something sketchy, you will be grateful. I have learned the hard way so much.. that is why I am blogging about it so that people can learn by example from me. I hope that what my stories tell can reach a few women so that they may not have to suffer like I did. Granted, we all have our own destinies, life journey's and such.. I just feel it is important to share. Give a few stepping stones for making choices that later will not be regretful.

Another example of when to walk away.... "My life is a trainwreck"...... if you hear a man tell you this within the first 3 dates... RUN!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!! I thought my love could make him good.... he was a cheater, liar, high on marijuana, drunk, unable to hold a job, unable to provide for himself... A soul sucking leach, he was. I had such a hard time getting him out of my life because he knew my soft heart.... he spots that kind of heart in any woman to keep up his charade. That is how these men roll.... they can see that weakness. He was my first ever restraining order.... after I followed through with the restraining order... he was never to be seen again. I was reduced to a scared, shaking, crying angry man hating woman. I was mentally abused by him... he manipulated my thoughts.. he was a master at it. I learned how to not allow that again thanks to some counseling. I did months of intense self care... lots of massages, sitting by the river to meditate or read a book. Lots of hot baths with soothing music... slowly doing little things to remind myself that I am important to me. If I don't take care of me, who will?

I gotta close... remember the wise words of Kenny Rodgers... "You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away.... know when to run!"
think of "The Gambler" when you think of those things that may be overlooked.... and in the near future I will point out the near missed opportunities when I almost reject someone based on something irrelevant... it may surprise some of you.

Learning to feel safe

Its easy to not feel safe when you spend 9.5 years with someone who seems to hate you...then everyone you bring close after that is unstable so that you may feel like the "stable one" or maybe just focusing on a "fixer upper" instead of really caring about oneself. That may have been my tactic... I am not sure which coping mechanism it was... but I believe I have finally learned to just love my life. If you ever take the time to read "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay, almost every physical aspect that is unfavorable about me, I had found was all a product in how I was thinking. Granted I have years of work to get past all the damage.. but I see a difference as my mentality grows into a pattern of thinking that is productive and no longer scared and chaotic.

I still have not read all of the book by Byron Katie "Loving What Is". This book pulls all your beliefs right out from under you and you land perfectly on your feet, and things dont bother you that much anymore. I highly recommend this book for anyone who struggles with anything in life(everyone).

Things I have done to make me feel better...
I take long hot baths. I listen to music to suit my mood. I watch movies to suit my mood. Attack a project that has been put off for a long time. Visit a friend. I can go on forever with this list.... and I wont...

When it comes to having sad feelings.. or feeling pitiful, I have found it hangs too long.... it haunts and picks at you as if you are the weakest chicken in the coop being pecked to death.. I find a sad movie that pushes me to cry alot is very theraputic. My top few suggestions when pushing through sadness is "My Sister's Keeper," "Life Is Beautiful," "P. S. I Love You," "The Bucket List, "Big Fish," and I cannot think of others at this moment.. but a good cry is like a cleanse... you feel alive and well again once its done.

Dating.

Back on the subject of dating. I remember once upon a time feeling very discouraged. The internet became my new venue in searching for a suitable male counterpart. I had a guy answer my ad that would not give me a picture that could distinguish any facial features. I had politely asked for a clearer picture where I could see his eyes and smile. His replys would steer to a different subject... like meeting immediately... and not in an area I know well.... well... I did not think it was wise to meet someone for the first time somewhere at night on a work night in unfamiliar turf... where I might not be able to find my car when its time to leave fast.... I persisted in asking him to meet in a closer town to me... and sending me a picture that I could tell what he really looks like... part of this is for identifying purposes. I keep every photo of every man that I go to meet. If anything should happen.. a tracable trail. I do not focus on what could happen that is bad... I focus on being smart and safe. No face, no familiar place.... no no no! I told the man if I dont see a better picture, I wont go. He switched from nice to down right horrific with his reply.... He called me a Fat fucking cunt and said that I will never find a man. His insults poured out as a clogged toilet overflows with fecal matter.... When this happened years ago... I was so upset! When it happened again more recently... I was still a little rattled... but it did not hurt me like it has before. I would guess that a man who presents himself like this is married, and a rapist. I would also guess he targets larger women in particular since it might be easier to get "some" since a heavy girl might not have any confidence and might be desperate and hope that it will make him want to stay with her. I fear I may be right about this for the most part. I am glad I made my rules and stick to them. I listen to my instictual side.

Rules for dating online I have created.

I post a pic.... I expect a pic
I post my age and the age range I want. I expect to know his age first off.
Do ask what he does for a living and where.
Do ask his general whereabouts... where he works and lives... this is to determine a good meeting place.
Get his name... first and last.
If weight and height matter.... include that too
DO NOT GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO ANYONE UNLESS YOU GET ALL THIS INFO
Keep the information handy..

This is how I filter out the bums.

Hope this somehow helps someone. :) thats all I have for today!

Lifestyle changes

I have to admit that I had made my bed a long time ago and refused to sleep in it until I was almost 40. I am and have been overweight for a long time. I have kids, Ive been divorced and in numerous fruitless relationships where I gave too much and lost alot in the process. Financially, time, heartache, effort... you name it.. the trauma on the kids. It was my self loathing... my anger and resentment that made me want to hide in a shroud of men who need alot... and instead of addressing my own inner turmoil... I focused on the drama created from dysfunction with losers... non contributing sorts of men. In turn, my troubles continued to grow and become bigger. I am not over them all mind you, but I am so much more aware and dealing with things better that I can actually look at people in the eye and smile and hear what they say to me. Sometimes I slip off a bit... its when I am tired.. and alot on my plate... but now its all about good things that enrich my life instead of disaster prevention and covering up mine and my past loves screw ups. Drama free is different... but its so nice!

I made mistakes, Ive cheated and lied and payed and payed and payed my whole adult life over my eighteen year old stupidity. I cannot hate me anymore for this. I cannot be mad at those who were abusive to me anymore.... I asked them to abuse me and I am not still there being abused. I cannot hate anyone anymore because I cannot grow and flourish or expand my love outward with thoughts of hate. I forgive me... and all involved in infinate proportions. I allow my body to be adored, loved and appreciated as is. I allow also to love my body in every level of adjustment it goes through as my lifestyle changes continue and become more settled.

In the list of things I have made changes with over the last year and a half I had started Alanon... a great support group for spouses, family members and friends of people who have substance abuse problems. I went in because of many women who I admire told me to. At first I thought it would help me fix them.... but lo and behold... It was all about fixing me.... I was also reading "The Secret" and applying principals from that program. Louise Hay is also a contributor to my love and forgiveness, and beginning to see how much harm negativity has...
I also smoked, went to bars and had a gambling problem, and letting this man back in my life problem. Then I felt hopeless and confessed my problem to the people who matter most, and joined Gamblers Anonymous. I never gambled again. I gave up smoking. I cut back my going to bars. I had to put a restraining order on a man who kept slinking back in my life.... he was really destructive to my mind and my faith in everything... I let him be... I did not feel safe.
Thanks to the court system pointing out the "domestic" aspects of this issue... and I was given free counseling... and I learned so much, and I felt so much better.

I decided to get back on the dating scene, but this time... I was to do it differently! This time I would have a goal and drill on... I would make it so I would have a reward in the end... either the love of my life... and a book written to publish... or a book written to publish with lots of wild tales. I aimed for 100.... I wont say it wont happen... I just got stuck for now.... I really like this one. I don't want to rush things. I do care a great deal about him. I think he cares about me too. I just cannot tell where his heart is now, but time will tell. I made it to 40, but his assigned number is 38. If 40 is all I make it to, I still win!

Part of my mentality about dating came about from a friend who was baffling me about the fact that dating is a numbers game. ?????? Really?????? Oh yes... numbers. You don't have to meet all of their parents or pick out drapes together... you are just going to have one date with one guy... then one date with some other guy... you aren't committing... you won't be settling. The idea is to meet and greet... sometimes one is all there will be. Others will stick in your mind and you will want so bad to see them again. Sometimes the guy does not like you. Sometimes a guy likes you too much when you find them appalling... you never know... I know some women who let these moments traumatize them. You cannot bank too much on a first date or an asshole, or a wimp or a hunk you like that snubs you the next day. This is where knowing you are going through volumes of first dates takes the over desperate hopefullness out of the mentality. I cannot say that I haven't gotten a little overexcited sometimes over someone great.... but I have it in my head a little differently now. My perspective has changed. It is like learning to dance..... or finding your way around a new town. The more you go, the more you know.

I will continue this blog as often as I can now. Hope this enriches some lives in some way, or makes a fellow sister not feel alone in this cruel world we can create for ourselves.