Lifestyle changes

I have to admit that I had made my bed a long time ago and refused to sleep in it until I was almost 40. I am and have been overweight for a long time. I have kids, Ive been divorced and in numerous fruitless relationships where I gave too much and lost alot in the process. Financially, time, heartache, effort... you name it.. the trauma on the kids. It was my self loathing... my anger and resentment that made me want to hide in a shroud of men who need alot... and instead of addressing my own inner turmoil... I focused on the drama created from dysfunction with losers... non contributing sorts of men. In turn, my troubles continued to grow and become bigger. I am not over them all mind you, but I am so much more aware and dealing with things better that I can actually look at people in the eye and smile and hear what they say to me. Sometimes I slip off a bit... its when I am tired.. and alot on my plate... but now its all about good things that enrich my life instead of disaster prevention and covering up mine and my past loves screw ups. Drama free is different... but its so nice!

I made mistakes, Ive cheated and lied and payed and payed and payed my whole adult life over my eighteen year old stupidity. I cannot hate me anymore for this. I cannot be mad at those who were abusive to me anymore.... I asked them to abuse me and I am not still there being abused. I cannot hate anyone anymore because I cannot grow and flourish or expand my love outward with thoughts of hate. I forgive me... and all involved in infinate proportions. I allow my body to be adored, loved and appreciated as is. I allow also to love my body in every level of adjustment it goes through as my lifestyle changes continue and become more settled.

In the list of things I have made changes with over the last year and a half I had started Alanon... a great support group for spouses, family members and friends of people who have substance abuse problems. I went in because of many women who I admire told me to. At first I thought it would help me fix them.... but lo and behold... It was all about fixing me.... I was also reading "The Secret" and applying principals from that program. Louise Hay is also a contributor to my love and forgiveness, and beginning to see how much harm negativity has...
I also smoked, went to bars and had a gambling problem, and letting this man back in my life problem. Then I felt hopeless and confessed my problem to the people who matter most, and joined Gamblers Anonymous. I never gambled again. I gave up smoking. I cut back my going to bars. I had to put a restraining order on a man who kept slinking back in my life.... he was really destructive to my mind and my faith in everything... I let him be... I did not feel safe.
Thanks to the court system pointing out the "domestic" aspects of this issue... and I was given free counseling... and I learned so much, and I felt so much better.

I decided to get back on the dating scene, but this time... I was to do it differently! This time I would have a goal and drill on... I would make it so I would have a reward in the end... either the love of my life... and a book written to publish... or a book written to publish with lots of wild tales. I aimed for 100.... I wont say it wont happen... I just got stuck for now.... I really like this one. I don't want to rush things. I do care a great deal about him. I think he cares about me too. I just cannot tell where his heart is now, but time will tell. I made it to 40, but his assigned number is 38. If 40 is all I make it to, I still win!

Part of my mentality about dating came about from a friend who was baffling me about the fact that dating is a numbers game. ?????? Really?????? Oh yes... numbers. You don't have to meet all of their parents or pick out drapes together... you are just going to have one date with one guy... then one date with some other guy... you aren't committing... you won't be settling. The idea is to meet and greet... sometimes one is all there will be. Others will stick in your mind and you will want so bad to see them again. Sometimes the guy does not like you. Sometimes a guy likes you too much when you find them appalling... you never know... I know some women who let these moments traumatize them. You cannot bank too much on a first date or an asshole, or a wimp or a hunk you like that snubs you the next day. This is where knowing you are going through volumes of first dates takes the over desperate hopefullness out of the mentality. I cannot say that I haven't gotten a little overexcited sometimes over someone great.... but I have it in my head a little differently now. My perspective has changed. It is like learning to dance..... or finding your way around a new town. The more you go, the more you know.

I will continue this blog as often as I can now. Hope this enriches some lives in some way, or makes a fellow sister not feel alone in this cruel world we can create for ourselves.