Learning to feel safe

Its easy to not feel safe when you spend 9.5 years with someone who seems to hate you...then everyone you bring close after that is unstable so that you may feel like the "stable one" or maybe just focusing on a "fixer upper" instead of really caring about oneself. That may have been my tactic... I am not sure which coping mechanism it was... but I believe I have finally learned to just love my life. If you ever take the time to read "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay, almost every physical aspect that is unfavorable about me, I had found was all a product in how I was thinking. Granted I have years of work to get past all the damage.. but I see a difference as my mentality grows into a pattern of thinking that is productive and no longer scared and chaotic.

I still have not read all of the book by Byron Katie "Loving What Is". This book pulls all your beliefs right out from under you and you land perfectly on your feet, and things dont bother you that much anymore. I highly recommend this book for anyone who struggles with anything in life(everyone).

Things I have done to make me feel better...
I take long hot baths. I listen to music to suit my mood. I watch movies to suit my mood. Attack a project that has been put off for a long time. Visit a friend. I can go on forever with this list.... and I wont...

When it comes to having sad feelings.. or feeling pitiful, I have found it hangs too long.... it haunts and picks at you as if you are the weakest chicken in the coop being pecked to death.. I find a sad movie that pushes me to cry alot is very theraputic. My top few suggestions when pushing through sadness is "My Sister's Keeper," "Life Is Beautiful," "P. S. I Love You," "The Bucket List, "Big Fish," and I cannot think of others at this moment.. but a good cry is like a cleanse... you feel alive and well again once its done.

Dating.

Back on the subject of dating. I remember once upon a time feeling very discouraged. The internet became my new venue in searching for a suitable male counterpart. I had a guy answer my ad that would not give me a picture that could distinguish any facial features. I had politely asked for a clearer picture where I could see his eyes and smile. His replys would steer to a different subject... like meeting immediately... and not in an area I know well.... well... I did not think it was wise to meet someone for the first time somewhere at night on a work night in unfamiliar turf... where I might not be able to find my car when its time to leave fast.... I persisted in asking him to meet in a closer town to me... and sending me a picture that I could tell what he really looks like... part of this is for identifying purposes. I keep every photo of every man that I go to meet. If anything should happen.. a tracable trail. I do not focus on what could happen that is bad... I focus on being smart and safe. No face, no familiar place.... no no no! I told the man if I dont see a better picture, I wont go. He switched from nice to down right horrific with his reply.... He called me a Fat fucking cunt and said that I will never find a man. His insults poured out as a clogged toilet overflows with fecal matter.... When this happened years ago... I was so upset! When it happened again more recently... I was still a little rattled... but it did not hurt me like it has before. I would guess that a man who presents himself like this is married, and a rapist. I would also guess he targets larger women in particular since it might be easier to get "some" since a heavy girl might not have any confidence and might be desperate and hope that it will make him want to stay with her. I fear I may be right about this for the most part. I am glad I made my rules and stick to them. I listen to my instictual side.

Rules for dating online I have created.

I post a pic.... I expect a pic
I post my age and the age range I want. I expect to know his age first off.
Do ask what he does for a living and where.
Do ask his general whereabouts... where he works and lives... this is to determine a good meeting place.
Get his name... first and last.
If weight and height matter.... include that too
DO NOT GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO ANYONE UNLESS YOU GET ALL THIS INFO
Keep the information handy..

This is how I filter out the bums.

Hope this somehow helps someone. :) thats all I have for today!